I’m seriously about to freak the fuck out. Why the hell am I even trying if you don’t give a flying fuck? One minute we’re fine and the next you’re treating me like I’m dirt. Keep it up, that’s fine but there’s only so much I can take until I just don’t give a damn anymore and I’m pretty close to just saying fuck it and fuck you. I never treated you like that when you fucked up how many times? Exactly. When you finally realize you’re making a big mistake and I’m already moved on its gonna be your fault not mine. It isn’t hard for me to find a guy but yet I’m still trying to make things work with you after everything. Then you wanna say I should appreciate the fact you’re even talking to me? Really? I’d rather not talk to you if you’re gonna be a fucking douche bag. I’m about done with this. I’ll stop talking to you and hurt but I’ll eventually move on and find someone who actually wants to be in my life. Sitting here getting hurt over and over when I’m trying and you dont seem to care is starting to seem pointless. I can’t take it anymore.
I’m laying in bed crying thinking about everything. This last week and a half have been the hardest. Knowing the person I love can’t love me enough to forgive me when I loved him enough to forgive everything he did. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be over him already so I can stop all the hurting and crying. I told him we shouldn’t talk anymore, I just wish that was really what I wanted instead I’m laying here wishing he would just change my mind. This whole year and a half has had its ups and downs but I never gave up on us because he was my everything and I try so hard to act like I don’t care but I do. I’ve never been so heartbroken and it’s my own fault this time. I know everyone says there’s other fish in the sea out there but I don’t want any other one. It just sucks picturing the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t picture it with you anymore. I’ve really tried this last week to show him how sorry I was and he didn’t even seem to care which is why now I need to focus on myself and making me happy and I can’t wait for the day I’m there again. I would die tomorrow if it meant spending one more perfect day with him or even one last time of him holding me and telling me he loves me. I wish I could be with him right now, telling him all this stuff but instead I’m in my bed crying, trying not to let my mom hear. I keep trying to think about how eventually I’ll be okay with this but I don’t know if I ever truly will be. I just hope each day it gets a little easier. For now all I can do is wait. Goodnight.
I’m sitting here trying not to cry. I hope this gets easier because right now this shit sucks. I mean I knew eventually I would have to say goodbye I just didn’t know it was gonna be like this. I know I made a mistake but at least it wasn’t while we were in a relationship. He did things while we were in a committed relationship that you aren’t suppose to do and ever since then nothing had been the same. I took him back and did everything I could to make shit right and I didn’t get what I deserved AGAIN. I know that’s no excuse but still. Apparently I’m just a fucking slut and don’t deserve to be in his life well all i got to say is fuck you. I put up with all your lying and bullshit for a year and gave you multiple chances but yet I don’t deserve to be in YOUR life after I fuck up once while we weren’t together? Maybe you don’t deserve to be in MINE. I’m a good person and I deserve better than what was said to me. When I love someone, I fucking love them and would give them the world and I need that back. And really? How am I a slut? I’ve never did anything with a random person or someone I didn’t know really well, can you say the same? Fuck no, so shut up. I’m so fucking aggravated. I did nothing but give myself to you when I hurt every fucking day and cried about every day. You’re hurt? Yeah, I get it but now you know how I’ve been feeling. All I can do is take from this and learn. Learn what I want out of my next relationship and not to deal with lying or someone who can’t show me they truly love me. I know there’s someone out there that’s gonna be that person for me, all I gotta do is be patient but for right now I’m focusing on myself, something I’ve needed to do for awhile now but was just scared to. I don’t need a guy in my life to make me happy, all I need is me. Fuck anyone who comes in my way, I’m not letting anything bring me down anymore!
My head is spinning. I don’t know what to think about this. I know I fucked up and made a mistake. I ended up hurting the person I love the most and I feel terrible. Not only did I hurt him but I hurt myself. I feel like I disrespected myself and I feel disgusting. I don’t even know how this happened. I feel a lot better knowing I got it off my chest though.
Base By: Jahrenesis
